Can't Watch You Break
by DSForeverandAlways
Summary: Set before the flash forward and after the big reveal of Gossip Girl. "He'll never lie and say that he didn't picture it sometimes, Serena with a swollen stomach, glowing. He knows she's imagined it too. He's seen the deep flush of her cheeks late at night when he catches her daydreaming."
1. Chapter 1

**Can't Watch You Break**

_Ache_

_Can't watch you break_

_And shatter_

_Saved_

_New lives to make_

_Us better_

- Tender, Feeder

**Warning: Themes that some readers will find distressing. Disclaimer: I tried eBay. Couldn't buy the rights there. It's a sad, sad world. Note to all readers: This does get better. At some point. Probably.**

**Set before the Flash-Forward, but after the big reveal of Gossip Girl.**

* * *

The pain in her stomach had started up the day before.

Even now, sitting by her bedside in the hospital, studying the pale and breathtakingly frail lines of her, he can't help remembering. He needs to reassure himself that she's okay. That she's still here. That she's not gone yet. And though she's here and she's alive and she's still healthy, it doesn't mean he can't remember; it doesn't mean he'll ever forget.

He should've noticed. He was a fool not to.

She'd gone to bed last night claiming stomach cramps, telling him it was 'that time of the month' as a way to fend him off when he'd attempted to soothe her with his hands and tongue and teeth. All day she'd been off, really. He'd noticed her wincing throughout the day, one hand cupping her stomach when she thought he wasn't looking.

Even just thinking of it now makes him ache deep down to his bones. He should've done more. Why hadn't he paid attention to her?

She'd woken him up at 3am with trembling hands and heavy sobs, telling him she was so very, very afraid. His sleepy hands had caught her wrists as she'd looked him in the eyes and said "I'm bleeding too much, Dan." There's so much, oh God, oh God-"

Her eyes had rolled back into her head and with terrified hands he'd caught her, cradling her fragile body in his arms as he carried her towards the living room, screaming for his sister Jenny- who had been staying with the family for the past week- because he had no idea what else to do. Leaving their blood-soaked sheets behind. He hadn't noticed them until he'd ran back to his bedroom for his cell.

Jenny had cradled Serena's skull in her palm, stroking fingers across her arms, murmuring "Oh Serena" over and over again. He thinks he remembers yelling at her, begging her to do something, anything. Because she was his sister, he needed her to be there for him, to be there for Serena, to tell him that everything was going to be okay even if it was just another lie. But Jenny had ignored his pleas, simply hushing Serena as her eyes rolled and she appeared to come around for just one moment. Useless.

(So was he. He still is.)

In his own hand, he feels Serena's fingers twitch, watches as her eyelids flutter and finally, take in the sight of the hospital room she's in.

He wishes he were a child again, making his wishes on the seeds of dandelions floating away in the win. That innocence. That ease. He envies the young for it.

"Dan?" Serena croaks, making him crush her fingers in his, desperate.

"You're gonna be okay, Serena."

She swallows thickly, head lolling weakly in his direction so she can turn her eyes on him. "What happened? Why- Why am I in a hospital?"

The words clog the back of his throat with tears, leaving him vulnerable.

Serena lifts her head slightly, noting his tears, trepidation consuming her. "Dan, what's wrong with me?"

"Nothing's wrong with you." He almost trips over his words in an attempt to soothe her.

"Dan." She grits out, something like her strong heart filling her eyes. "Why am I in a hospital?"

He can't look at her. He looks anywhere but her eyes. Down to their entwined hands, their last connection to one another amidst the torrential tsunami of pain.

"You had a miscarriage, Serena." He whispers softly.

Her fingers tighten in his grip immediately, a startled laugh that sounds something like a caged animal tumbling from the prison of her chest. Reflexively, he looks up at her, heart pounding angrily in his ears as he tries to find a reason as to why she's finding any form of humour in this situation.

"Dan, I wasn't- I wasn't ever pregnant." Serena tells him, as if it's a ludicrous suggestion.

"Serena." He murmurs, stroking her knuckles.

"But I- I would've _noticed_." She insists, tears beginning to form in her eyes. "God, Dan, if i were pregnant with our child I would've _known_."

"You were four weeks along, Serena." He tells her, already grieving. "You wouldn't have been able to tell for a few more weeks."

"But I-" Serena chokes on her words, grief leking from her eyes in the form of tears as she begins to tremble beneath his touch. "Dan. I..."

"I know, Serena. I know."

"I was pregnant." She says it, dumbfounded, and the use of past tense makes him shiver.

He watches as her crying turns away from his and she looks down at her stomach, hands slipping from his grip as she rests them low on her abdomen. Where a new life once was. Their child. _Theirs_. They'd not discussed children, nor marriage, nor even moving in with him to the loft and officially becoming part of his family, even though she inofficially already had been for years, ever since they first started dating back in High School; but he'll never lie and say that he didn't picture it sometimes, Serena with a swollen stomach, glowing. He knows she's imagined it too. He's seen the deep flush of her cheeks late at night when he catches her daydreaming. He knows her. He always has.

The last words of Alexander Graham Bell, inventor of the first practical telephone, were "No" when his wife pleaded "Don't leave me."

Now, Dan looks towards Serena, and in her eyes he can see the precise moment she loses herself.

So he reaches out and tucks her into his arms, even though she is rigid with shock, even though her tears wet his shirt, even though she shies away from his touch.

"I'm here," he tells her, "I'm here. I love you."

* * *

**TBC**

**To the readers of my other story: I'm not going to stop writing "There's Something In The Way You Look At Me", I just needed to get this idea out of my head.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

**A/N: Just remember: It's always darkest before the dawn. **

* * *

Serena's hand is pale and trembling in his.

He helps her from the wheelchair once they reach the exit doors of the hospital, thanking the orderly out of politeness because she doesn't, instead she clenches her jaw and hangs onto his hand as though it's the only thing keeping her cluttered thoughts in order; the tell-tale redness of her cheeks telling him that she's embarassed about being wheeled out. Perhaps that's why she refuses to look him in the eye. Or maybe she's ashamed. He doesn't know. He doesn't know anything right now, for his thoughts are swirling sickly in his mind and he's not quite sure how to make his feet carry him towards the taxi.

"Dan," Serena murmurs weakly as they approach the taxi anyway, "I want to go to my place."

"I'll come with you."

"No." He answer is blunt, immediate. "I- I need to be alone right now."

"I think company would-"

"Dan, if I wanted company, I would come home. I _need_ to be alone. Please just give me this." She turns her empty eyes to his as she climbs into the back of the car, making his heart ache deep down.

At any other time than this, he would probably be fighting a smile at her distinction between her Penthouse and home, with him. He'd probably tease her about it later, with his lips on her skin, and she'd roll her eyes and deny she ever said such a thing but they'd both know that she was lying.

But it's not any other time. Right now he just feels empty. He wants her to come home with him, he needs someone to hold him. Someone to tell him that things will work themselves out. Someone to tell him how to get rid of the gaping hole left in his heart after recent events, after this tragedy has occurred between them. Someone to tell him how to sew his heart back into one piece.

"You know what?" He says, "I'm gonna walk home."

She rolls her eyes, catching his wrist as he takes a step back. "Dan, don't be ridiculous, you can't possibly walk back to your loft from here."

"I need time to think." He tells her. "I'll...I'll see you soon."

"I'm not running away." Her voice is strong, resolute as she looks him in the way, stroking her thumb along his pulse point and making him shiver. He stares back into those eyes and notes that they are not strong like her voice, just like her body; a pale, weak imitation of what she once used to be.

He regrets the words as he's saying them, lifting her hands so that his lips brush across her palm as he speaks. "Yeah, you are."

And then he turns and walks away.

* * *

The Penthouse is quiet and lonely when she arrives home. Her mother is still in the Hamptons, won't return until next week. The click of her heels echoes through the room.

She bends over, dropping her head into her hands as she places her elbows on the wood of the kitchen furniture. Takes a deep breath. In and out. In and out. And repeat. Just go through the motions. Tomorrow will be easier. Tomorrow will be kinder. It needs to be.

Serena wanders through the Penthouse and to her room, sprawling out onto her bed as though the comfort of her matress can take this pain away. It doesn't.

Her fingers are seeking for the warmth despite the knowledge that he isn't here. Fist in the vacant sheets and then release with an aching sigh. She wants him there. But she doesn't want him to see her like this: weak and confused and more than anything, angry. She just feels cheated. Cheated out of a future she hadn't been aware that she was given a chance to have.

She rolls onto her back and places her hand onto her stomach, wondering. Would it have been better to have known beforehand? Would it have made the ugly truth easier to swallow? She doesn't suppose that it would've, perhaps getting her hopes up and then having them all taken away would've lead to more tears.

It doesn't make any of this easier though. This isn't easy.

Without thinking, she stands from the bed and strips all of her clothes, standing before her full-length mirror. Takes in the curves and lines of her naked body, hands roaming to her abdomen in a strange feeling of wonder. A life was here once. A life was here last night. That life is no longer here.

She turns to the side and tries to imagine her flat stomach growing; growing and growing to fit a child. Their child. Hers and Dan's. She's thought about it, once or twice, late at night when he whispers his love for her. She'd never thought it'd be so soon, but she thinks that they could've made it.

Is that what she wants? A child? With him?

"Yes."

The word is all she knows.

Yes, she wants that, more than anything.

She stares at her hands on her stomach once again. _There is no life in there,_ she tells herself, _you lost it, you must have done something wrong._

But she doesn't feel empty. Shouldn't she feel empty? She just feels overwhelmingly angry. She doesn't know who to feel angry at though. This isn't anyone's fault but her own.

And then her knees are buckling out beneath her and she's on the floor, the tears coming hard and fast as she watches her own reflection fall to pieces, hands cradling her fragile, empty stomach.

"It's gone." She sobs aloud. "All gone, Serena. Move on."

Her hands only curl tighter.

* * *

Dan climbs the stairs to the loft, for once glad that the building doesn't have an elevator.

His clothes are soaked. It had begun raining halfway through his walk, and he hadn't cared for a single second, instead walked amongst the crowds of New York and tried to remember how to forget pain. He's done it many times before.

As soon as he opens his front door, aching and exhausted, his father is before him, dragging him into a tight hug. "Dan." He breathes into his ear, saying nothing more.

His arms wind around his father, allowing himself to be comforted for one moment.

They pull apart after a short silence, Rufus smiling at him and reaching up to wipe something away from his cheek. Huh. Is he crying?

"Jenny decided to stay up," his father tells him, "We thought you could use some company."

Dan closes his eyes, breathing slow and steady, grateful. "Thank you."

He attempts to move past him but Rufus catches his arm, frowning. "Where is Serena?"

He swallows the pain.

Remembers to breathe.

It rises again.

Forgets how to function.

"She went home."

"And you let her?" Rufus eyes widen.

He clenches his jaw. "She didn't exactly give me a chance to persuade her."

Rufus releases him with a heavy sigh. Dan attempts a smile at him but imagines it's more of a grimace, so he moves past his father to where he finds Jenny waiting for him in the kitchen, two tubs of ice cream sitting before her and spoons in hand. He feels something disjointed settling into place in his lungs at that. At least he has her. He has his sister.

"Hey." He murmurs.

She grips his coat in her fingers, sad eyes watching his. "I'm sorry, Dan."

He shrugs, shedding his soaked coat and throwing it onto the counter without giving a damn. He'll clear the mess up later. At least it will give him something to do later, something to keep his mind off of this.

"Nothing for you to be sorry for."

Jenny sighs, handing him a spoon, and together they sit and eat the ice cream in silence.

He watches the clock as he does- It's 9am now, such a long and hard day already- wondering where Serena is now, how she's doing, if she's in any measure of pain. The doctors had given her some painkillers in case she'd suffered any physical pain afterwards, but he doesn't think she'll use them if she does get any. So independent. So stubborn. (So selfish.)

"Were you guys...Trying?" Jenny's quite voice breaks the silence, curious.

Dan stares down at his ice cream, stomach suddenly feeling extremely sick. "No."

"Does that make it any easier?"

"No."

"I didn't think so."

He opens his mouth to speak but then bile is rising so rapidly he doesn't even have time to mutter 'excuse me' to Jenny, instead pushes off of the stool and races to the bathroom. Before he knows it, he's puking his guts out into the toilet and almost everything else except for the drowning emptiness.

At some point between his heaves, he feels gentle fingers on his back, soothing him.

"Go away, Dad." He manages to choke out, but Rufus doesn't move.

"You need someone right now, Dan."

"I need Serena." He whines, because she's the only one that he supposes would understand right now. "I need her, Dad."

Rufus is quiet as Dan leans back from the toilet after flushing it, head falling back onto the bath tub. Tears leak from his eyes and scald his skin before he's even aware of it, and his father simply sits opposite him, hands clasping his.

"You and Serena will get through this, Dan." He tells him. "I promise."

The tears only burn more.

"A baby." He sobs. "She- She was gonna have a baby, our baby, and we didn't even get a god damn chance."

"I know, Dan. I know."

"She would've been such a great mom. She- She would've been so..." He can't speak, it gets trapped somewhere, mind forgetting how to talk and instead being filled to the brim of images of a chubby baby with his eyes and her stubborn streak, almost swallowing him whole with grief.

His mind races for a word to explain how he feels, sifting through his extensive vocabulary before settling on: Empty.

Yes, that's it.

He just feels so empty.

* * *

Through her tears, Serena finds her cell phone, eyes trying to focus on what flashes on the screen but failing.

There's several missed calls from Blair and Nate, she thinks she sees. A couple texts ask her where she is, if everything is okay, why she hasn't turned up to Chuck&Blair's Brunch today and why she isn't answering her phone.

Serena swallows back a sob but it escapes anyway as the reality of the situation hits her.

She feels motionless. She doesn't know how to cope with the pain.

But the world continues spinning on its axis anyway, without warning her, without her consent at all.

Her trembling fingers find the contact that she's looking for, the only person that she can depend on at the moment, the one she has a Hate-Love-Relationship with, but at the end of the day, it's the one person that she feels safe to talk to, about this, about everything. The only person that will halfly understand what she's going through.

"Hello?" She answers on first call.

"Mom." The word escapes her roughly, making her body jerk as she curls into a ball on the wooden floor.

"Serena? What's wrong? What is it?"

"I need you." She tells her, trying to brush away her tears but the attempt is futile, her eyes just conjure more. "Mom, I need you."

* * *

**TBC.**

**I know Serena would've probably called Blair, but I wanted to bring Lily into this, because I just love her and I want to try it this way :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**A/N: Thank you for your kind words, I love you all.**

* * *

Rufus heaves him from the bathroom floor despite his protests, despite his weak hands pushing him away. Tucks him into his bed as though he's a child, stroking his fingers across his cheeks and presses a kiss to his forehead.

"Dad." He mumbles, "It's one in the afternoon."

"And what a day it's been."

"I can't sleep now; I need to go find Serena. She's probably- I don't know, freaking out." He mutters, attempting to unwrap himself from the cocoon of blankets that his father has made for him, but Rufus simply pushes him back down, sighing.

"Dan, Serena is strong, you know that, and fiercely independent. Now, I'm not saying that she doesn't need you, of course nobody necessarily wants to be alone in times like this. But," Rufus pauses, quirking a smile, "she's fragile right now. And so are you. You two have a history of acting, quite frankly, like bulls in a china shop when you are in such a state."

Dan swallows thickly, fear hidden in the depths of his eyes.

"Serena and I, we can't have any more secrets from each other. Everything fell apart because of them before, we need honesty-"

"I'm not saying don't go to her, of course not, you two kids need to sit down and talk about where you want to go from here. I'm just saying not _now_."

"I love her, Dad." He whimpers pathetically into his pillow. It smells like laundry. Who has washed it? God, who had been the one to take the blood covered sheets-

"I know, Dan."

He's asleep before Rufus is out of the room, dreaming of Serena with a swollen stomach, hand reaching out to place his on her skin as her eyes glitter with tears and he feels the flutter of their child kicking beneath his palm.

* * *

Serena drags one of Dan's tops over her head, a ratty old thing he sleeps in sometimes, lifting it to her nose and screwing her eyes shut tight to combat the tears as the smell of him wraps around her completely. Distracts herself from this overwhelming absence by grabbing a pair of leggings and pulling them on, hair pulled haphazardly from her face in a messy bun.

She heads into her bathroom and grabs her make-up wipes, wiping tear track by tear track away. Stares at her reflection in the mirror, pale and weak, red puffy eyes, blotchy cheeks. She looks heartbroken.

Perhaps that's how she describes the pain. It's stupid and it's cliché, but she is heartbroken nonetheless.

The 'ding' of the elevator interrupts her morbid thoughts, so she shoves the make-up wipes into the trashcan and walks towards her mother.

"Serena, Darling." Lily murmurs, instantly picking up on her slouched shoulder, her fragile appearance.

"Mom." Her voice is quiet, rough from all the crying.

Lily van der Woodsen walks to the kitchen and drops her new Chanel Purse on the counter as Serena is leaning weakly against the wall for a moment before pushing off. Without asking any questions, Lily pulls her into a tight hug, heart aching for her daughter already.

Serena swallows back another round of tears she feels rise as she's pulled into her mother's warm embrace. Tries to melt into her and seek comfort but the pain is so overwhelming she can't relax completely, even with her head resting on Lily's shoulder, listening to the steady sound of her mother's breathing opposing the erratic pace of her own.

"You want to talk about it?" She whispers, rubbing her back soothingly.

"I don't even know where to start." She says, but she's already leading Lily over to the couch.

She sits across the couch from her, out of reach, arms hooked over her knees and head resting against them, staring at the floor. Trying to find the words to explain the situation. The anger. The heartbreak. How terrifiyingly cheated out of life she suddenly feels.

"I just got home from hospital." She says, picking at a thread on her leggings.

In the corner of her eye, she watches her mother lean forwards, elbows resting on her legs as she watches her carefully.

"Why were you in the hospital?" She asks quietly, patient as ever.

"I was admitted."

"You were-" Lily clears her throat, frown lines deepening. Serena continues to stare at the floor. "Is there something wrong, Darling? Something I- I need to be made aware of?"

Her eyes are filling with tears again without her permission. Uselessly, she wipes them away with the back of her hand, face flushing with anger or embarrassment or something in between, she has no idea, no idea anymore.

"It's over now." Serena murmurs, finally lifting her gaze from the floor, turning her crying eyes to her concerned mother. Her voice is quiet when she speaks, nothing like her usual bravery, a little girl terrified lacing through her tone. "I- I had a miscarriage, mom."

Instantly, her Mom is shuffling closer to her, murmuring "Oh, Darling" over and over again, arm around her shoulders as she presses a kiss to the crown of her head and she sobs into her mother's chest. She wants the tears to stop. So much. Shouldn't she be all cried out by now? Shouldn't she feel empty now? But she can't stop grieving, can't stop over thinking it, analysing every last detail. Can't stop imagining a baby boy or girl with bright brown eyes. Dan's eyes.

Her mother holds her as she sobs and says nothing to even try to stop her, nothing to tell her everything will be okay. She's always respected that in her mother. Her honesty. There are many faults in her, but her honesty is not one of them.

Eventually, her sobs quiet to soft sniffles, and she groans in embarrassment. "I got your new dress wet, mom."

"It's okay, Serena. I don't mind." She says, quirking a smile when she pulls away and looks at her mother.

She bites her lips and wonders what to say now. What is there to say?

"Did you... Did you know? That you were pregnant?"

Serena looks up at her Mom and studies the curiousity in her eyes. It goes further than this event, she knows. Remembers the teases of 'No kids until you're 40; I'm too young to be a grandmother before that' when she was a twelve year old girl, groaning into her cereal whilst getting ready for school. But there was still that sparkle, that natural hope for a grandchild. Still is.

_Look what you've done_, her mind taunts her,_ not only have you hurt Dan by losing his child, but you've hurt your mother too; that was her grandchild._

"No." She answers her eventually, watching the light dim in her eyes. "No, I didn't know."

"So you and Dan weren't...?"

Serena brushes bright red, because that's a conversation she and Dan are yet to have, and she most definitely does not want to have it with her mother first.

"No, we weren't- We weren't purposely trying, no."

"Oh. I see."

Serena looks away, down at the floor, away from the grief in her mother's eyes.

"I was four weeks along." She murmurs. "For four weeks, I was carrying a child, there was- there was a _life growing_ inside me, Mom. For four weeks I was pregnant and I didn't know. And now I'm- Now I'm just... Not."

Lily squeezes the arm she has around her shoulders. "I'm sorry, Serena."

"It's not your fault. It's mine."

Lily stills against her, pulling away slightly to stare directly into her eyes. Serena can't hold her gaze. That gaze she has where she's slowly trying to extract information from her, to seek the truth.

"Serena, this isn't your fault."

And that's when it all comes pouring out. That's when the dam surrounding her heart breaks in two.

"Not my _fault_? Mom, you know what I do for a living. I've been flying to different fashion shows in different countries 10 times this month, to get paid for just sitting in the front row. There's no way that all that stress was good for the baby, not to mention all the Champagne I was drinking and the fight Dan and I had and-"

"Serena!" Her mother cries, surprising her. She places a hand on each of her shoulders, dipping down to look into her doleful eyes. "Serena, this isn't your fault. I know that it's devastating and that you're going to think of anything you could've done to prevent it, believe me, I know that from experience after meeting Scott's parents who told me that he was apparently dead and-"

She sighs heavily. "Mom, that's-"

"My point is that this is just something that happens sometimes, and there's no explanation for it, and it's not anybody's fault, and there was nothing you could've done to stop it. You just have to learn to accept it, and begin to move on from here." At the hesitance written across Serena's features, she asks, "What did Dan say?"

Serena shrugs, feeling ashamed at her actions. "We didn't really talk. I- I sent him away, I guess. Like I always do." She sighs guiltily.

"That man loves you, Serena. And I know you love him." Lily says, standing from the couch as she smiles kindly at her. "Talk. You'll work it out, I promise."

She leans down to kiss Serena's forehead and she catches Lily's wrist, whispering "I want a family with him, mom."

Lily smiles, eyes twinkling with that light she wishes she had. "Tell him that, then."

It's not that easy, she thinks, the words on the tip of her tongue.

But then her mother squeezes her hand and leaves her alone with her thoughts once more.

* * *

"Dan?"

Dan opens one eyes to find his sister crouched at his bedside, blonde hair almost gold in the light of the sunset filtering in through his windows. Glowing. His heart tightens at that.

He sighs, silently staring at her, drinking in the lines of her face that show the amazing, intelligent young woman that Jenny has become. His baby sister is all grown up now. It makes him realize that it would've been good to have a chance, a chance at a family with Serena.

And then there it is again, that punch in the gut, the bitter taste of emptiness. All he could have had.

"Dad and I have Thai Food in the kitchen. There's some for you, if you want it."

Serena loves Thai Food.

Sighing heavily, he heaves himself from the bed, squeezing Jenny's hand as she smiles at him and leaves the room once more. He hesitates in following her, just for a second, instead roots around in one of his drawers and finds the shirt of his that Serena had hijacked months ago. Sleeps in it almost every night. Brings it close to his nose and with a relieved sigh he finds that it still smells of her, almost as though she's right here with him.

Food first. And then Serena. She'll probably need more time, anyway.

He seats himself on one of the stools surrounding the island, and stares at the vast array of food before him. It's all his and Serena's favourites, he notes.

Rufus and Jenny act as though nothing is different, as though they haven't adapted their meal choices for him and the non-appearing guest that should be sat in the empty stool beside him. He can't help but feel grateful for that. He doesn't think he can stand any more pitiful looks.

But the moment he raises even a mere noodle to his lips, the smell makes him queasy immediately, so he sets the food down and simply watches his sister and father interact with one another instead. He's missed this, after all. As much as he jibes his father for living with him after the divorce with Lily, and as proud as he is that his sister is in a Fashion College, he's missed having his family around him. Peas in a pod. There's just one missing.

"Dan?"

He snaps from his trance at the sound of his father's voice, looking up to find Rufus watching him knowingly.

"Yes?"

"Serena's here."

He almost falls off of his stool in his haste to rush to the door as Serena steps in, key in hand, watery smile aimed towards him. God, has she always been so breathtakingly beautiful?

"Hey, Dan." Her voice is weary as she stands before him, both of them awkwardly standing in the doorway.

"Serena." He breathes, reaching out and snagging her hand in his. "I- We have some Thai Food here, your favourite, if you feel like-"

"Actually, I was wondering, could we talk?" Serena whispers the words, staring down at her hand clasped in his.

"Oh, of course, sure." Since when has he began to ramble again?

He makes a move to step back into the loft and his hand tugs her towards him, body close to hers. A slight rosy blush settles across her cheeks. That same blush she gets when he says something overwhelmingly cliché but sweet when they're alone.

"Could we- Could we go up to the roof?"

"Oh, yeah, sure, whatever you want." He rambles, watching her roll her eyes.

"C'mon, Dan." She says as she pulls him towards his bedroom, exasperatedly.

But as she does, her thumb tenderly brushes across his knuckles, saying almost as much as her hopeful blue eyes do.

* * *

**TBC**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**A/N:** The feedback I'm getting is amazing, thank you! Also, this chapter is dedicated to Hannah who's laying in bed right at this moment, because she's sick. Hope you'll get better soon bby!

* * *

Serena leans against the rails with a sigh, watching the orange haze that falls over the city as the sun sets, dropping his hand to reach up and button her coat against the bitter winds so high up on the rooftop. He watches her, shivering slightly, but he doesn't really care about the temperature right now. He just cares about her, and the emptiness he can see lingering in the corner of her eyes, and the way that her fingers tremble so infinitesimally that he almost misses it, but nonetheless, they tremble.

In the breeze, her hair falls around her shoulders haphazardly, looking damp. Has she just showered?

He takes a step forward, hand reaching out of its own accord to grab that one strand of hair that refuses to simply stay still like the rest of it. Tenderly, he tucks the strand behind her ear, thumb brushing across her pulse point as he does.

Serena allows him to but says nothing about the act, hands shoving into her pockets, teeth nibbling away at her lower lip.

"Do you think I would've been a good mom?"

The question is quiet and her lips barely move, so tiny in fact that he startles forwards, frowning, absolutely certain that he didn't hear her right. But then her empty eyes turn to him and they're not quite as empty as he had first thought. The emptiness is there, the onslaught of grief that perhaps will never be forgotten, but within those eyes he also finds a sparkle of hope. She stares at him as though she desperately needs his answer, seeking his own eyes, as though she needs his permission.

"Yeah, Serena." He manages to heave out eventually. "I- I think you would've been the best."

Relief flickers across her face like an open flame, her shoulders dropping slightly as she drops even more against the railings. So close to the edge. He wants to tell her to take a step back, wants to ask her how she can stand so close to the edge of a building.

But his mind is preoccupied, racing through his own secret imaginings, the could've been. Her swollen stomach, fighting over baby names, sweaty and exhausted after labour, tiny fingers wrapping around hers, the exhausted smile every parents wear when they climb into bed at 5 in the morning after yet another restless night.

He swallows thickly. "W- Would you have kept it? If you'd known?"

Serena's brows furrow, and she looks down at her hands, picking at a nail nervously.

"I know that my lifestyle makes things difficult. I know I'm not the person I want to be yet. But I think we... we would've made things work. We always do, don't we?"

He shuffles closer to her nervously, wondering how that complex mind of hers works as tears well in her eyes.

"Dan..." Her voice is rough and she doesn't wipe the tears away as they begin to fall. "Why do I love a child I never even knew existed?"

Dan stills, breath caught in his lungs. "Oh, Serena."

His arms reach for her but she steps away, jaw clenching as she looks away. "Dan, I was pregnant with our kid for four weeks. Four weeks and I didn't know. I- I didn't- I can't-"

The trembling in her fingers is overwhelming now and she turns away, fingers curling around the railings as she grits her teeth. Tries to breathe through the pain even though the pain controls her lungs. He reaches for her like a blind man seeking the sun but she shrugs his hands away, shaking her head at him.

"No, I- I need to be the strong one, Dan."

Dan grasps her arm, forcing her to look at him. "You don''t always need to be the strong one, dammit, let _me_ be the-"

"No!" She cries, tugging her arm from his grip and stumbling backwards. "I'm tired of you always giving and I- Dammit just let me- Please." She sobs, pressing her hands into her eyes and taking several more deep breaths.

He doesn't want her to be the strong one because Serena doesn't quite seem to know the difference between being strong and being alone.

He doesn't want her to be alone.

Dammit, _he_ doesn't want to be alone.

"I spoke to my mom earlier. She made me see sense of certain things." She says quietly, wiping at her tears. "I wasn't trying to push you away earlier, Dan. I was shocked and I was grieving- and I still am- but I.. Dan, I blamed myself."

He takes a step towards her again, needing to be close. "Serena, how could you..."

Serena holds a hand up towards him, shaking her head and blowing out bated breath.

"I know that it's not, I guess. My mom set me straight on that one. But I- I just want you to know that I wasn't running away. I refuse to run away, not now. Not when..."

"When what?" He prompts, frowning.

"Dan, I've never loved anyone as much as I love you."

The words are free from the confine of her chest like birds, fluttering wide and free.

"Serena."

The ferocity of her words set his heart ablaze with passion.

"I know that we're not really... Well, we are serious, of course this, us, is serious but..." Serena bites her lip. "We've never discussed anything future-wise and I know that you're trying to not scare me off again, after everything that's happened, but I need to know what _you_ want."

She stands there on the roof, in the gentle breeze, with the sun setting behind her, hair ablaze and saying all these words that make his heart constrict tightly in his chest, and he doesn't quite know how to respond.

"What- What I want?"

"Yeah, Dan. What you want. From this, from us."

"From us? I- I just want _us_, Serena. I don't see what you..."

"Oh." Serena's voice is quiet, meek. "Oh, okay."

Serena curls her arms around herself, tightly, as though she's her own anchor. Independent as ever. Blue eyes staring down at the ground.

"So you didn't... I mean you didn't want to have... Kids? It.. It worked out well for you that... That this happened?"

Didn't want-

Oh.

_Oh_.

"Serena, I didn't mean- God, I didn't mean it like _that_." He splutters, desperate.

Serena purses her lips, looking up at him curiously, hopeful. "You... Didn't?"

"I didn't..." He runs a hand down his weary face, chuckling. "We really need to work on our communication skills."

Tentatively, he takes another step towards her so that they're simply an arm's length apart from one another. The breeze picks up and once again that arrogant piece of hair sticks up, so he reaches up and once again tucks it behind her ear. She giggles at that, spreading a rosy tint across her cheeks as she tries to smother it by biting down on her lower lip. Doesn't bat his hand away. Allows him to draw closer to her and press his forehead against hers, sighing.

"You know as a kid, I always wanted the whole white picket fence and two point five children thing. Swore to myself that my kids would never be fatherless." He feels her melt into him just that little bit more, hands raising up to wrap around his forearms. "And then I met you and I fell in love with you and I knew that things wouldn't be as artificially perfect as I dreamt them to be, but I knew that whatever happened, no matter what, you'd make things perfect. We could have one kid or we could have seven and everything would still be just right. As long as I had you and you had me."

Serena's eyelashes flutter, wet and fat tears tangled in them. "Seven?" She chuckled softly. "You really think that I would have seven kids?"

"Well, it's all part of my evil plan to raise mad scientists in an effort to take over the world, but I'll explain that later."

Serena grins up at him, leaning in to give him a hesitant kiss. "Dan, I'm not saying that I'm gonna move in with you next week, or be pregnant in a month or.. It's too soon. And it hurts too much. But I just... I want these things. Some day. I want these things with you."

Dan sighs, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her close. She's wearing Loafers so her head fits neatly under his chin, perfectly.

"I know." He says, pressing a kiss atop her head.

Her hands ball into fists on the small of his back, bunching into the fabric of his shirt. "It hurts, Dan. It hurts so much."

"I know." He says again.

And then he presses his face into her hair and breathes her in because she is alive, she is okay, and they still have a chance. And tomorrow will be easier, and tomorrow will make it hurt less.

But she's still hurting now. So is he. And with that thought in mind he tightens his grip on her waist and hoists her upwards, forcing her to wrap her legs around his hips and hold onto his neck tightly, eliciting a squeak of surprise from her. In any other situation the noise would be adorable.

"Dan- I'm not ready for-"

He chuckles. "Serena, you're exhausted, so am I. So we're gonna go and eat the Thai Food my father and sister bought us, and then I'm gonna shower because quite frankly I stink, and then we're gonna sleep, okay?"

Serena sends a mock scowl in his direction even as he begins to carry her through the room towards the kitchen. "You're an idiot." She says even as she rests her head on his shoulder.

"Yeah, but I'm your idiot."

"Don't try and be cute."

"You _love _me." He sings at her.

She swats his chest. "Shut up."

Miraculously, he manages to open the door to his bedroom without hurting either of them. He closes the door behind him carefully with one foot, then approaches the kitchen area, where both his father and sister are still sat silently eating their dinner. Jenny blushes at the sight of the way he carries Serena.

"Oh, we-"

"Not what it looks like." He says, making Serena groan and hide her face in his neck. "She's tired."

Jenny blushes even more, ducking behind her blonde hair and nibbling on some moo shu pork.

Carefully, he sets Serena down on one of the island stools, who blushes furiously when she spots Rufus and Jenny watching them both. She winces slightly, one hand pressing to her stomach.

"What's wrong?" He asks, hovering.

Serena shakes her head, pushing him away and towards a nearby stool. "Nothing. It just aches a little."

"Did you take any of the antibiotics the doctors gave you?"

"Dan, I don't need-"

"I'll go grab them from your Penthouse if you-"

Serena snags his sleeve, staring into his eyes. "I'm fine, Dan. I promise. It's not too bad, okay?"

"Serena..."

"Please, sit down? I-I just wanna eat.. With my family." She blushes endlessly at that, but the sparkle in her eyes doesn't disappear.

He can sense Rufus' and Jenny's eyes on the pair of them, so he sits down on the stool beside her, not for the first time in awe of her.

"Okay. Sure. Family." He says dumbly.

The emptiness in her eyes disappears for that one split moment, love spilling free as she smiles shyly and grabs one of the takeout boxes close to her.

And even though it's just for one split moment, it's enough to give him hope.

* * *

**TBC**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**A/N: My mind went all weird, that's why parts of this don't make any sense. I apologize for the lack of updates, but I don't know, I'm kind of facing a hard time when it comes to writing this fic at the moment. All your lovely reviews keep me going though, thank you for that! Xx**

* * *

In her sleep, she almost looks peaceful.

There's a slight frown line barely evident lingering on the edges of her brow. She doesn't sleep well. She's woken two or three times, and he's been there for each time her startled blue eyes open, hands reaching out to grip his as she simply drinks him in and he reassures her that everything will eventually be okay. He watches her relive the pain every time, swirling violently in her eyes until finally they close.

And then after three hours of fitful sleep on his part, he finally gives up on sleep and instead opts for watching over her.

His thumb brushes circles on her arms, soft and soothing as she begins to tremble again, meaningless syllables falling from her lips. The touch makes her melt back into dreams again even as her eyes flutter with pain. Until, eventually, she fades back to a peaceful sleep. At least he can be of use here. At least he can do this.

"I love you." He whispers, watching the way her hair catches the morning rays of sun, her skin glowing. "I love you and I will never leave you."

Her eyes flutter once more, but then she turns, curling her body into his, one leg sliding between his as he allows one hand to settle softly on the small of her back.

He presses a kiss atop her head, smiling and then-

"Ugh." She snorts as her alarm blares throughout the silent room, eyes fluttering open sleepily as she turns away from him to swat at her phone.

"What are you... Why do you have an alarm?" He asks, confused, as she rolls onto her back and turns her sleepy eyes on his.

"To.. Wake me up?" She answers, rubbing at her eyes and groaning.

"Yeah, but why?"

"Why what?"

"Why are you waking up at... Jesus, Serena, it's six in the morning." He points out, reading the glowing red letters from his digital clock.

Serena frowns at him, giving him a look as though all of this is supposed to be obvious. He doesn't understand. He just wanted, today, to spend some time with her and just _be_. Probably without leaving the bed because that would mean facing the real world when all he wants to do is hold her close and remember that the pain will go away and remember that someday the pain will not hurt so much, that it will be a dull ache in the back of his mind that will not ever be forgotten but will be knowledge he can cope with.

"Uh, so I can get ready for Blair's Fashion Show. I'm one of the Models, Dan. I thought I told you that?" She says, groaning as she kicks away the sheets and begins to climb from the bed.

"For what? Serena. _Serena_." He grabs her arm and pulls her back onto the bed, making her huff in annoyance. "Why are you going there today?"

"Dan, I already missed the rehearsal yesterday without giving any reason and I haven't replied to any of Blair's and the boy's texts. I'm surprised she hasn't fired me yet and that she isn't around here demanding to know why. And, to be honest, I'm still working on an excuse that works."

Serena attempts to move from the bed but he grips her around the waist and pulls her to him, her hand landing on his stomach with a loud slap as she falls into him with a quiet _oof_, glaring up at him, brows knitted together slightly. Confused.

"Serena, you're still... I just don't think you're in the right frame of mind right now to be going to that rehearsal."

Serena pushes away from him, suddenly hostile. "You think I'm too weak to handle this?"

"No, no- I'm just saying that you don't _have to_. Take the day off. Call in sick."

But Serena simply climbs from the bed before he can stop her, wandering over to the wardrobe where she leaves a few of her clothes. Pulls out a blouse as well as a pair of trousers without looking back at him.

"Dan, I can't take the day off, I can't call in sick. I still don't know what I'm going to tell Blair or the boys. I- I need to go in before I get in any more trouble. Besides, the rehearsal will distract me from all of... This." She says, sweeping a hand at him before heading towards the door.

"Serena!" He calls, making her stop in the doorway with a huff. "Just call in sick, and tell them truth. I know that you're still hurting: Emotionally and physically. Distracting yourself from it.. You're only delaying the pain. It doesn't make it go away."

Fire burns in her eyes when she looks back over her shoulder at him, slowly rotating on the spot to turn to him, one hand still on the door handle.

"Y-You want me to tell everyone that the reason I didn't go in or call yesterday was because I miscarried _our_ child?" She says, astounded.

He swallows the pain. Listens to the nervous thrum of his heart.

"Why lie? What's the... What's the point?"

"The _point_?" Serena advances on him, throwing her clothes onto the end of the bed as she places her hands on her hips. "The point is that I don't want _my_ personal life to be gossip of all the Models, Make-Up Artists, Whatever else. I don't want to see _pity_ in Blair's eyes and face the puppy dog looks from the boys as though they understand. I do _not_ want this to be the way Blair or anyone else for that matter finds out."

His heart softens on the outside, and he shuffles over to where she stands by the bed, reaching up to pull her into the v of his legs. She hesitates slightly before stepping forwards, sighing, tears threatening her eyes.

"No matter what the others will say, we'll always have us. Right? So please call in sick today, spend the day with me."

Serena ducks her head, hiding behind a layer of tousled hair. "I'm going to this rehearsal today, Dan." She murmurs, one hand reaching up to cup his cheek, thumb stroking his cheekbone as she stares into his eyes. "I promise I won't be gone for too long. But I'm not taking the day off."

He releases her with a sigh of defeat, anxiety forming in the pit of his stomach. But he doesn't say a thing.

He never says anything.

* * *

Serena steps off the elevator and heads towards the runway, coffee cup in hand, she'd grabbed on her way to the location after stepping from the bathroom this morning to find Dan turned away from her on the bed, asleep. She hadn't been sure if he'd been tired or if it was his way of stating his disapproval about heading to the rehearsal. Either way, she had left him, kissing him on the cheek before she left and running her hands through his hair for one moment. One moment where she was simply allowed to be a woman in love and that was that, intricacies of reality forgotten as she basked in the morning sunrise.

"Hey." Chuck calls as she looks around, looking up to find him and Nate headed towards her. "Where have you been? We all have been worried."

"Oh," she says, "It's... Sorry for not answering, I was just... Busy."

Chuck and Nate almost seem hurt at her words, but she turns away, glancing over at Eleanor Waldorf, who had been planning the entire show with Blair, heading towards her. Uh oh.

"We almost headed over to your place to check if you were okay. But Dan texted me last night to let us know you two were fine." Nate tells her, making her frown. When had Dan texted him? She'd been by his side the whole night and hadn't noticed. "He didn't give us any more information than that, though."

"Yeah, I-"

"Serena. A word, if you can find the time." Eleanor calls as she stands before her, arms crossed her torso and intimidating.

"Oh, I- Yes, Eleanor." She mumbles, walking away from Chuck and Nate hurriedly, not being able to spot Blair anywhere.

Serena follows Eleanor into a small room with her head hanging low, standing before a desk as Eleanor closes the door and rounds on her, standing behind the desk with every ounce of authority she has earned. Stares Serena down with what almost seems like a death glare, yet she finds sympathy in her eyes as well. Serena swallows but doesn't look away.

"I assumed that you would call in if you ever just... Felt like taking the day off." Eleanor sneers, waving a hand almost sarcastically.

"Eleanor, I can explain-"

"Really? Because what would have been nice, Serena, is an explanation _yesterday_. We had a big rehearsal, and I can't think of one reason that would mean you'd miss work yet stand here looking as fit as fiddle the next day. I thought this job was important for you."

"It was.. I know I should've called. But I wasn't... I wasn't thinking." She defends herself, nails digging into her palms as she feels the grief rising from her heart to her throat, threatening to spill free.

"It looks like you weren't. And as much as I love you, Serena, I have to treat you like every other Model that misses a rehearsal without any explanation. Now, would you possibly care to inform me as to _why_ you weren't here yesterday?"

Serena opens her mouth to speak but the words get trapped somewhere around her heart, wrapping around in a vice grip and squeezing. Leaving her breathless as she stands before the mother of her best friend, mind blank and heavy with the weight of a life she'll never be given. Dammit, all this time she was pregnant and she hadn't known, all this time she'd spent around her friends and she had been pregnant and she _hadn't known._

"Well?"

Eleanor's harsh voice snaps her back to reality, mouth beginning to form words before she even realizes she's doing so.

"I-I had a miscarriage. I- I went to the hospital at 3am and I just..." Serena watches Eleanor's eyes go wide before they soften with pity, and she can't stand that, so she looks down at the ground and mumbles, "I had a miscarriage."

"Oh." Eleanor's voice is quiet, soft. "Darling, I'm so sorry to hear that."

Serena fights the tears away, clenching her jaw before looking back up at Eleanor. Tries to be strong.

"It was Mr Humphrey's, right?"

_Was._ The word almost knocks her over.

She embraces the pain with a heavy sigh, because she doesn't know what else to do before she nods.

Eleanor watches for a moment with all the overwhelming pity in her eyes and Serena can't stand it. Until finally, Eleanor removes her glasses from where they are perched on her nose, looking out of the window. "If you wish to get replaced in the show, that would be completely understandable."

"No, Eleanor. I- I want to be here."

Translation: _I need to be here._

Eleanor sighs but doesn't comment. "And Mr Humphrey? What does he say to that?"

Serena almost stumbles over her words. "I don't know." She lies.

Eleanor nods slowly, eyes roaming back to Serena. Okay, Darling. You can go."

Serena nods hastily, turning away from Eleanor and heading towards the door.

"Serena?" Eleanor calls as she reaches the door, making her turn back slightly, watching as Eleanor sends her a sympathetic smile. "I'm truly sorry. For your loss."

_Loss._

She blinks against the onslaught of tears. "Thank you." She responds automatically, closing the door behind her.

But before she heads back to the others, she closes her eyes for just one moment, swallowing the word. Loss. Yes, it is a loss.

But that's what she is: She is lost.

And yet the world continues to move.

* * *

**TBC**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

**A/N: I am terribly sorry for updating this so late. I've been busy, because I'm actually having quite a real life at the moment, ha. Besides, I've been sick and I had a terrible Writer's Block and it's still kind of here, but I tried my best. As always, thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

* * *

She knows from the moment that Blair texts her telling her to head to her Penthouse that she's in for it. Blair is going to murder her and hide the body. She could probably do that, Serena muses with a smile.

The elevator door opens and she pockets her phone, thumb swiping across the background picture of herself and Dan skiing to lock it. Heads straight towards the living room but not before taking a large, deep breath and stuffing both trembling hands into her pockets, trying to keep a straight face. Perhaps, she thinks, Blair is _slightly_ more intimidating than Eleanor.

And then she walks in and Blair's there, sitting on the white couch, eyes immediately snapping away from the magazine she's been reading and over hers and narrowing and Serena is suddenly all too aware that there is no way she'll be able to keep a straight face with Blair.

"Hey. You wanted to tell me something?" Serena asks, standing opposite side of the table to Blair. Tries to go for an innocent look.

"Only if you've got to tell _me_ something." Blair replies, arching an eyebrow.

Serena balls her hands into fists in her pockets. Tries not to let her emotions get the better of her as her best friends stares at her expectantly.

"Blair, come on." She groans, looking at the painting on the wall. A wizard hovering over a white unicorn. Cold and pale. Dead. Gone. Not coming back.

_(Like your baby)._

Serena shakes the thought away, pain oozing uncomfortably from her hert, looking back at Blair to find her watching Serena in disbelief.

"_Come on?_ Serena, one of these days I'm seriously going to- excuse the language- kick your ass." Blair tuts, placing her hands on her tighs, eyes wide as she stares Serena down.

Serena visibly cringes under Blair's intense stare.

"Blair-"

"No. You didn't even text me back. What kind of best friend does that?" Blair asks exasperatedly.

"I know, B. And I'm sorry. I am." She adds when Blair rolls her eyes. "But it was... It was a really long, really difficult day. I wasn't really thinking straight."

"Mmm-hmm." Blair hums. "So, care to tell me why both you and Humphrey were missing our Brunch yesterday? And you the rehearsal?"

"Humphrey?" Serena repeats, grinning. "When are you going to stop calling him that?"

"Stop avoiding my questions." Blair says, poiting at Serena.

"Stop questioning me."

"Serena, I've got plenty of expensive knives and I am _not_ afraid to use them."

Blair's eyes wide as she flares her nose, eliciting a slight giggle from Serena as she steps back. Hands raied, palms-forwards.

"Blair." Serena practically sighs after her giggle, smile fading. "It's... It's really bad. I don't really _want_ to talk about it."

"You don't ever wanna talk about anything. Doesn't mean it's not good for you."

"Blair..."

"What? I'm right. Haven't you learned that I'm always right?"

Serena takes a step forwards, soft step the only noise in the silence as she clasps her hands before her, her blue eyes fixed on them. If she looks at Blair, she'll only break into tears and explain the whole damn thing and she doesn't want that. She just wants to put it behind her. She just wants to move on, because living with it hanging over her head all the time, being reminded of it every breath of her lungs, doesn't seem all too much like moving on and neither does it sound happy. And if she can't move on, and she can't be happy, how on Earth is she supposed to give Dan the future that he wants with her? How is she supposed to have the future with Dan that she so desires?

"Are... Is everything between you and Humphrey okay?"

Serena quirks her lips, eyes watering. "We're fine."

"I just... He wasn't here yesterday and I'm sure he won't show up today either, and even though you two are the super couple and all, you're human and I thought maybe-"

"God, no!" Serena cries, looking up at Blair in shock. "You thought Dan and I were.. Had broken up? How could- No. _No._ We're.. A little closer and a little more optimistic than we used to be, actually."

Blair tilts her head to the side, appraising her. "He offered you a ring?"

"B!"

"What? You've had a connection ever since High School and he _adores_ you. It'd explain why he wasn't here yesterday, because you'd run in the opposite direction."

She rolls her eyes. "Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"I'm just saying that the guy knows what he wants and, while you love him, I think he's more upfront about it. Doesn't make you a bad person." Blair soothes her, smiling. "Now, please tell me what's going on before I take out my anger on Chuck tonight."

The tears start falling the moment she opens her mouth. "I had a miscarriage."

Blair stills, mouth falling open in a small 'o'.

"Oh, S."

Serena rubs at the stubborn tears that fall, half-laughing in a mixture of embarrassment and disbelief. Why won't the tears go away? She has cried enough. She has had enough of crying. She wants it all to be over.

"I was four weeks along and... I didn't know. I didn't know." Serena murmurs, sending a watery smile at Blair when she reaches out and squeezes her arm comfortingly. "But... It's over now. I'm moving on."

"S, you're not doing much moving on if you still don't wanna talk about it. So much you wanna do all these rehearsals instead of quitting the job."

"Why does me being at the rehearsals have anything to do with not moving on?" Serena questions with a frown. "It shows that it's not affecting me in my daily life. I can cope."

"Just because you can cope, doesn't mean you've not been damaged, Serena." Blair points out softly. "Why isn't Dan here to support you?"

"He didn't.. He didn't want me to go." She admits quietly, running a hand through her hair, tasting salty tears on her lips. "We didn't exactly argue about it but I know he wasn't happy. But we're fine. We have to be. We always are."

"Serena..." Blair sighs.

"I know, I know. I need to learn to 'talk more' or whatever." She says, poorly imitating her friend as she does. "But I'm all talked out. Dan and I spoke a lot last night about... About what we both want from this relationship and I'm not saying it's easy, but I just want to move on. I want to forget it as best as I can."

"You and Humphrey talked... But did you really listen to eachother?"

Serena's eyes widen. "Excuse me?"

Blair sighs in exasperation, setting her magazine down on the table. "You said that he wasn't happy with you going to the rehearsal today. Why?"

Serena searches her mind for a reason. Draws up blank and feels her heart tumble clumsily over a beat in the cage of her chest. What was the reason? She's sure he must've explained it. At some point. Surely.

"I..."

"_Exactly_. Serena, I understand that you want a distraction. But nobody's gonna judge you for needing some time off. You and Humphrey.." Blair purses her lips, thinking for a moment, "You know that we all root for you, even if it doesn't look like that. But being in a relationship and committing to that relationship are two different things."

Serena's mouth falls open in shock, tears dripping almost lazily from her eyes. How- How can Blair stand right before her and say such things? How can she claim that Serena isn't committed to this relationship? She knows, in fact she's known it for a whole long time but it had always scared her before, that Dan is her one and done. 'The one' that everyone is supposed to find in the end. And they're not perfect but they're them and threy're right and they're everything that she's ever wanted and more. There's not way she'd ever walk away from him again.

"I told him that I love him. That I've never loved anyone the way I love him." She blurts out, as though she needs to prove herself.

A smile blossoms on Blair's lips. "Then go home and prove it to him."

"It's only two o'clock and we've still got rehearsals, I can't-"

"You can and you will. You're not the only blonde Model in New York."

"But-"

"We can cope without you. Now, go on." Blair herds her towards the elevator, making Serena laugh as the tears dissolve on her cheeks.

"You said you wanted to tell me something, I should probably-"

"I'll call you later about it." Blair waggles her eyebrows at Serena before giving her a gentle push.

"Okay, okay. I'm going." Serena says, waiting for the elevator doors to open.

She pauses for a moment before she steps in, looking back over to her best friend, smiling. "Thank You."

Blair shrugs." You're my sister, my best friend, you know I'm always here for you. I'm only helping out here. But you can keep the hot, dirty details of your sex life for yourself."

"I didn't hear that!" She calls out, laughing as she leaves.

* * *

When she arrives back at Dan's Loft, the place is deathly silent. She strains her ears for the sound of Rufus fluttering around in his room but she can't hear a thing, and it appears that Jenny has now left because her coat is missing from the rack at the door. Huh. It bothers her that she didn't get to say goodbye to the young girl more than it probably should.

Serena hangs her coat up on the rack and kicks her heels off with a relieved sigh, mind tumbling with thoughts of how her relationship with Dan is so domestic now. And it doesn't bother her one bit. In fact, it makes her heart flutter like hummingbirds wings in her chest, a timid smile tugging on the corners of her lips.

She finds him in his office, typing quickly, brow furrowed in concentration, bathed in the lazy light of the afternoon. He almost seems ethereal as she watches him, even if he is still in his pajamas, even if the worry lines on his face are too prominent compared to how they were two days ago.

"Hey." She says softly, so as not to scare him, leaning on the door frame.

Dan startles slightly, eyes flicking up to her. "Hey." He says. "You're home early."

_Home_. The word makes her smile even when she feels lost in the dark.

"Yeah." She murmurs. "I'm home."

Dan nods, eyes looking at her but not really drinking her in, nor her words, because he instantly looks back down and begins typing again. Huh. Not the reaction she had been expecting. Then again, maybe she shouldn't have left in the first place. She's not been fair to him, after all.

"What're you writing?" She asks softly, heading towards him.

He shrugs, "Nothing much."

Serena rests her head on his shoulder, arms winding around his shoulders, reading the words as he types them, a warm glow in her stomach because as much as she loves him and as much as she hates him and as much of a child as he is; he is still her favourite author, the one who's first story was about her.

"You... Dan, why are you killing off Dylan?" She asks, floundering in astonishment.

He grunts, but says nothing.

"Dan."

"One second."

"No." She growls, grabbing his chair and spinning him around to face her. "Dan, _why_ are you killing Dylan?"

Dan sighs, running a hand down his weary face, looking every year of his age, perhaps more. It pains her to see him so sad, so lost.

"I'm not doing it for.. For the book. Sometimes, when things are going wrong in real life, I just... I just write." He explains shyly.

Serena stills, studying him curiously. "You.. You just _write_ about killing off one of the main characters in one of your books that's supposed to be _you_?"

Dan's eyes widen, a chuckle escaping him. "No, no, it's not like that. You think I'm-? No." He says, watching her relax instantly. "But normally when I feel down, something bad happens in my writing, a character gets killed or just _something_ happens. It reminds me that I'm not the only one that feels this way, I guess. It reminds me that these things happen every day and there's nothing we can do to stop it. We just move on. So I write it out and then, usually, I feel lighter. Free, almost."

Serena's heart almost stops still as she listens to his bittersweet ramblings. God, she really hasn't thought about how he's feeling, has she? All this time she's been pretending that she's thinking of them, their future, but she hasn't really thought about how he's doing now. Yes, she bears the heavy burden of losing a child, and yes, it wasn't his body and he'll never know what it feels like to be pregnant and then not be. But it was his baby too. And there was nothing he could do to stop it.

Serena sighs, settling herself down into his lap without warning him, mouth brushing his cheekbone.

"You wanna talk about it?" She asks softly, curling the fingers of her right hand around his ribs, feels the beat of his heart beneath it.

"That's the problem... I don't know what's left to say."

"But it feels like we should, right?" She settles a hand on the bottom of his neck as she speaks, thumb rubbing soothing circles into his skin. "Talk, I mean."

"I think that we said enough last night."

"Are you sure? Because we don't really have the greatest record when it comes to communicating with one another. Or am I the only one that remembers all that subtext?"

"No." He tells her, laughing. "No, you most certainly are not."

Serena hums slightly, resting her head on his shoulder, content in the cradle of his arms.

He always makes her feel so.. Full. It's how she explains love to her mind when it doesn't understand what she feels in her hert. She's independent, he doesn't complete her, she doesn't _need_ him per se, but that doesn't mean she doesn't want him around for the rest of her life.

Before she knew him, her heart was empty, cobwebs filling the cracks that were formed when her father had left them. But then he came along and dusted the cobwebs away and made her feel like she has swallowed the sun and the stars at the same time, brighter than any other known element of the planet, full with this magical zeal that she adores him for making her feel.

"I always imagined we'd have a boy." She confesses into the skin of his neck.

His arms tighten around her. "Serena."

"Maybe we'd have a girl second. But a boy first. He'd have your eyes. So brown and charming and he'd have me wrapped around his little finger just because of them."

Dan's eyes fall closed, breathing irregular, heart beating furiously beneath her palm. "Please, don't." He says.

But she continues anyway.

"You and I both know that we'd argue like crazy over baby names. You'd probably want something wacky while I'd want something traditional. Or, at lest, something that won't give him a complex by the time he's in second grade." She laughs, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to the racing pulse in his neck. "And the pregnancy, well, we'd be amazed we managed to get through it. I can be stubborn at the best of times, so I can only imagine what all those hormones and mood swings would cause. Though I don't supposed you'd complain about the increased sex drive."

Dan turns his face away, burying it into her hair. She sighs, but carries on. This is good. Communicating.

"Chuck and Nate would argue about who'd be the better godfather. Blair, obviously, would be smug as hell about it, because obviously Auntie Blair would be godmother. We'd all spoil him rotten and _you'd_ have to be the strict one. Not that there's any surprise in that."

She's silent for a moment, thinking. About the moments with their unborn child they'll never have. Possibilities of a future that may still come true if she so dares to drem.

"I'd cut down the amount of fashion shows I'd visit and work for. Spend a lot more time here, at home. Not because that would be expected, but because I don't want our kid to feel unloved. I know maybe he wouldn't, he'd have you as Mr Mom, but I'd do anything for you, for our child."

It's a long moment before Dan speaks. She keeps her head resting on his shoulder, tracing patterns into his neck, feeling him breathe through the pain. Counts the beats of his heart as she does. Remindin her that there is still time, there is still hope. There always has been, with him.

"You have a big heart."

Serena jerks slightly at his words, mouth opening to say something as soon as she registers what he's said.

"You have such a big heart, Serena, for those that you love. It astounds me."

She blushes, watching as his eyes finally re-open and he stares at her, love clear in his brown eyes. She can only imagine he sees the same in her own.

"I took today and tomorrow off of all the work. Someone else is going to run for me." She tells him suddenly.

His facial expression doesn't change, but she hears him let out a long, slightly relieved sigh.

"What do you want to do in your time off?"

Serena presses her lips to his in a kiss so soft and sweet and achingly tender it steals his breath away, even if it only lasts for the smallest yet most precious of moments.

"Be here." She says, settling her head back on his shoulder. "I just want to be here with you."

Dan's smile almost splits his face in two. "Okay." He says hoarsely, eyes sparkling with tears. "Okay, we can do that."

She closes her eyes and memorises this perfect moment. Memorises him, the beating of his heart, the quiet sounds of his breathing, the way he holds her as though she is the only light amidst the darkness.

As though he's never loved another more than her.

* * *

**TBC**


End file.
